Boundaries

Families can be heavenly...or they can be hell. I think one of the things that makes living and dealing with our families difficult is the absence of boundaries. All relationships need boundaries. They help us to respect each other, which is vital in healthy relationships. Many of us seem to forget that, though, when it comes to our families.

Bosses, co-workers, neighbors, friends, even strangers are often treated better by us than our families are. But why? Because we know and respect the boundaries of non-family members. If our neighbor's son mows our lawn we pay him that day, not weeks later. If our friend babysits our child we pick up the baby on time, not hours later. Very often we don't show the same curtesy to family.

There's an old saying, familiarity breeds contempt. I don't think most of us hold our families in contempt, but I do think we take them for granted and have an attitude of entitlement toward them. We often view our family members as people who exist to provide free services for us. This usually isn't done maliciously but the consequences can be ugly nonetheless.

Our families are not here just to serve us. They have their own needs, lives, and responsibilities. Treating our family members with respect can go a long way to creating family harmony. We respect our family members by respecting their boundaries. If our sister-in-law doesn't approve of smoking we won't do it in her house. If Uncle Frank isn't religious we won't pester him to come to church. If we leave the kids with Mom we'll get them at 6 as we promised. And we won't presume that Mom will always be there to babysit.

Our families should mean more to us than anyone else. Our relationship with them should be paramount. Love alone, though, doesn't make relationships successful. Respect is the vital ingredient for family happiness that is so often missing. Giving our family members even a little of it can go a long way. And that's what boundaries are really all about: respect, love, and happiness.